The connection between football and a little bit of tranquility…

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Football is coming and thank god for that!

My parents and I are big football fans. My sisters could care less about the game, but usually the good snacks draw them out of their holes. It brings the family together.

Lately we have bee having a hell of a time even talking to each other. I can’t look at my mother anymore for fear she’ll tell me what a disappointment I am. She whispers it to herself when she thinks I can’t hear anyway. I would just rather pretend I don’t hear her than get it right in the face. My dad only want to please her and doesn’t care to hear me or my sister out anymore. My older sister is only still here because she can’t afford rent anywhere else yet. My younger sister usually just shuts down and gets nasty with everyone if you say anything about her, even a compliment. We aren’t a good family. 

But football. There is something about football that just relaxes me enough to be with my dad and mom. As soon as last season ended, we were all fighting again. Now I associate football season with being happy. When there’s a game on, no one fights. I really hope this season comes and we go back to the way we were. Otherwise this vision of happiness in my brain whenever I think of football will pop and I would really like to keep my inner football calm. =) Here’s hoping for a peaceful, yet good season of the NFL.

Go Cowboys!

 

Follow your dreams, before someone talks you out of them…

I have been thinking about my future a lot lately. Usually a future after high school is college. The way people look at me when I say I’m not going to college for awhile makes me feel like its the only future anyone will accept. But the thing with college with me is this.

I like to be encouraged to do things. Everyone likes encouragement. It something I just…want. But i also want to be encouraged to follow my dreams instead of things that will only make me money.

But no one gives it to a student with mediocre grades, mediocre looks, and a less than standard ability to socialize in large crowds. My parents have never given me a lick of encouragement. All they care about is how much it’s going to cost them. They do not care what I want to be. My sisters only see a lazy person who cleans up after their messes. Right now, I’m basically a full time maid in my parents home. 

I have plans for me, now it’s getting up the courage to put them into motion and not caring about what my family wants instead. This post probably doesn’t make much sense. All I’m trying to say I guess is I wish I had the courage to just throw caution to the wind and follow my dreams. If you have dreams reader, you should follow them before someone talks you out of them. Thanks for reading.

Having people…

High school has been a roller coaster ride for the ages really, but maybe not for me. When they say “living vicariously through someone else”, well that me. Nothing ever really happens to me. But that has changed a little in the last month and a half of school.

I got friends. People who want to hang out with me and I with them. People who I don’t want to rip my hair out when I’m around them. People who don’t care that I’m overweight. I could list names, but why bother. I want them as my friends, but I think what is most special is that they want me too. They asked me to go shopping, I finally say yes because it feels genuine. Not a pity invite because I sat with them at lunch.

Prom is coming up. Rapidly speeding towards me at full throttle. Well, and of course I can’t find a dress that suits me to save my life. I am horrible at shopping. I live in a land of Bruce Springsteen t-shirts and jeans from Kohl’s. Converse and boots like a cowboys.  My world is a nice one. But with this thing, I have to find something nice?!?!? AH!

But have no fear, because I now have a whole gaggle of girls who are my friends who want to help me become…pretty? Maybe I’m “always beautiful” as my parents tell me whenever I say anything about it, but these people…always make me feel good about myself. If you can find someone who makes you feel good about yourself, then stick with them. They are blessings.

A short post bursting with happiness. Thanks for reading.

Something New and Something Sad

So, as a lot of older teens are probably doing right now, I went to a college open house with my friend Ann to see if it was right for her. Road trip! It was for my friend though, not me. No colleges for me. I didn’t apply to any for personal reasons that I may or may not get to in this post.

So anyway, we went to college because my best friend wants to go into some form of  pharmacy and they have an excellent pharmacy program, Uconn that is, Go Huskies! Well, we went because she’s really leaning towards this school, or at least I hope she is because the program seems really good for her. Smaller classes and she already has a friend in the program. It seems good.

But here’s the sad part for me. As we were driving home I was sitting in the back of her sisters car. And the closer we got to home, the more I felt like crying. I felt like sobbing. I felt like crying so hard and saying, “Don’t go, don’t leave. Please.” The campus wa samazing, the people were happy and the sun was shining. But I can’t stand the thought of her going. She’s just…my entire support system. She’s just my best friend. 

I see what other people call their “best friends”. One day they chat and laugh together, the next day they stab each other in the back for a stupid comment, shared crush or simple disagreement. I see it everyday, people pointing someone out and saying “She used to be my best friend”.

But here’s the thing with me and Ann. We’re different than each other. We have different personalities, different types of boys we like, different friend groups, different styles in general. We’ve been best friends for ten years. It could be magic that we have been friends for so long, but I don’t think it is. We know when either of us needs space. We know when the other needs a shoulder to cry on and we know when we want to be giggly, flirty girls. We know each other. We let each other grow without strangling. She’s my rock.

I encouraged her to go to Uconn, to go and have that great college experience. She deserves the world. 

The program she wants to enter takes six years. SIX years. That’s a long way from home, in a strange new place for her. But she would get used to it, make new friends, live a new life. All through the trip I kept saying I would visit, sleep on her floor and do her laundry while she was off being smart. It just made me sad to say, after awhile. I knew this trip was going to make my heart hurt. I knew it was going to make me feel sad. But the depth of hurt that hit me while I was in the back of the car with her was awful.

I would give anything to go with her, to be by her side, to not grow up. Stay kids with her forever. All we have ever known together is childhood. We haven’t experiences being adults together. She’s going to grow into an adult without me and I without her.

I’m not going to ignore my feeling of loss when she goes, but I’m not going to make her feel guilty for going either. She needs to feel confident when she leaves. But in the back of that car when we where going home and all I could think of to say was “It’s good to be home.” I think she felt the sadness too, cause all she said was “I hope college doesn’t change me.” 

All I hope is that it doesn’t change us. I hope and pray for her, and i know she’s going to be fine. This is a selfish post. But a post I need to let fly from my heart. Thanks for reading.

A good working relationship…

So, I need to get a job. A job that I won’t rip my hair out with and I won’t want to quit within a week. A job I can come out of my little turtle shell with. A job that handle this timid creature that is me. But here’s the thing. Yes I’m eighteen and yes I’ve had a job before, but that job was literally me sitting in a copy room at a law firm copying all day. That job was also handed to me by my parents.

 And, as anyone who had read previous posts knows, I don’t enjoy my parents very much and they don’t enjoy me either. I wanted to rip my hair out. It was a job at their firm. Not being able to say anything to anyone because you know it would all get back to your parents is a soul trap. A damn trap for your soul. You can’t say anything that you think might get back to them. They want to protect their “reputation”. 

Here’s the thing with their reputation. I really truly believe that they don’t have one. My parents. My mother, whenever she can, stays shut in the house, staring at HGTV for mind numbing hour after hour. She never, NEVER goes out socially if she can help it. My dad, well he might have a reputation but who would know? He’s not around enough for any of us to know anything about him. We don’t know who his friends are and we don’t know any of his “connections”. He’s never around. The point is, I need a job out of the influence of my parents and my sisters.

Another thing about me is, outside of my own circle of people, I’m a timid mouse. I don’t know how to get hired or where to go for a hiring. I like dogs and reading, but that doesn’t usually get me far. I’m timid and a scaredy cat and it holds me back more than I like to admit. Being eternally shy and not knowing how to tell people about it because all my friends don’t see it in me is a little hard, but, well….maybe I should just push out there. Be a spontaneous person and boldly go where I’ve never gone before. Behind a cash register.

Though this post doesn’t seem to have much of a moral to it, but thanks for reading anyway.

Looking for Peace

I think the world puts to much emphasis on being skinny, but at the same time it being healthy too for some people. I know this has been said before, but in my house being thin is an emotional fight with yourself. It’s hard to put in the initiative to try and be healthy when no one tells you good thing about yourself, not ever. I’ll admit it, I’m a stress eater and am probably addicted to eating. Whenever I feel like I’m inadequate and useless to my parents, well that’s all the time, but whenever I do I eat. It’s not a healthy habit at all and not something I could ever think of asking my parents for help with. They would tell me I’m being stupid and try to hide it from the family. Maybe they already know about it and they choose not to say anything. They’re very hush hush when it comes to their reputation. I always ask what reputation, but whatever they think they have is in danger. They don’t go out very much.

I think I’m stuck in a limbo until I’m free of this house. They’re stuck in a limbo cause they had kids.

I know I do my fair share of house work, but there always seems more to do and when you can’t do it all they tell you your lazy. Not kidding about that. I take strength from my sisters and my best friend. My sisters have lived with this too for all their lives. And my best friend, well she knows almost everything about me. I have places to go, but when you can’t love yourself, it’s hard to think that those people care sometimes. They all seem to have their lives a little more together than I do. I feel trapped in a body I don’t want anymore.

Another part of this maybe is that I’m 18 and no one has ever told me they love me. Mom and dad don’t count and they only say it when they’re half in the bottle anyway. My best friend has had enough guys say they like her for both of us. My older sister is in love and I’ve seen how it makes her glow. I want that. But I don’t want that like this… maybe getting out of this house is the solution, maybe it isn’t. But I want to see the other side of life… the part where there is love and encouragement and internal peace. Hopefully I get it sometime soon.

Complain, complain, complain

So from both sides, my house likes to complain. We, I think, are split into two sides which are my parents who don’t like very much about us and live like total hermits and then me and my two sisters. We don’t like much about them either. My mother has this habit of calling her friends as soon as she gets home from work to complain about every aspect of her own family. Meanwhile, in my house, there is really no place to hide from this verbal treachery. We hear every word.

Yeah, I call my friends and complain too, but never within earshot of them and that’s not because i don’t want them to know what I think of them, but because if I’m going to tell them what I hate about them, that they ask to much when they expect the house to be sparkling by 5 o’clock when i get home at 3 or that we are trying our hardest with both school and housework and homework and trying to have lives, but I would rather have an actual discussion with them. Mom just wants to let us know how much she loathes her life anyway she can. Complaining is fine, just don’t do it within actual earshot of the person. Makes them feel just a little less of themselves…unless they deserve it. Big ego’s ask for complaining.

Sitting around a table with food

So, sitting around a table with food on it for dinner, well i just don’t believe in it in my house. What is the point in making me sit politely in my own home, no elbows on the table, stop humming, don’t play with your food, when I’m in pj’s and mom is angry about something so insignificant that I have a fuming human being giving off the death vibe right next to me for thirty minutes as I try to eat those peas I hate. Maybe we should sit on big velvet cushions with tassels and candles that smell like lavender and cinnamon with a groovy album like the Simon and Garfunkel’s greatest hits playing as background music. All I’m saying is I wish we could mix it up when it comes to dinner, just once in a blue moon…

Missing support I never had

I guess the title kind of says it, but I guess I’m just looking at my life right now in a different way. I’m used to being the obedient daughter in the house. My parents are very touchy about their appearances to the outside world. They are also very lethargic and non-supportive of me and my two sisters.

To tell the truth, my mother is not the nicest person on the planet and my father is to in love with the thought of a perfect marriage that he won’t take anyone’s side but her’s. She mean, she never has anything nice to say unless it’s to impress people she wants to get in good with… and she never has anything nice to say unless it’s to get in good with us too.

Anyway, I’m coming up on going to college, getting a car, having a solid job and looking for an apartment and I guess what I’m really missing and starting to realize I never had before, was support. They don’t want to talk to me about my plans, but when I don’t have any plans they say I’m lazy and talk to all of their friends like I’m four again, that petulant teasing. Well, I’m 18 now and far away from my younger years, but how am I supposed to grow up when no one has taught me how? Who am I supposed to ask how to get my oil changed or what is a good price on an apartment or how to talk to the cable guy when my cable is coming in fuzzy?

I guess I feel like I’m just missing something.